I called you today. You didn’t answer at first , so I left a message. Honestly, I never expected you to return my call. When you did I felt awkward, but excited. I had planned to ask you why it had been approximately 15 years since you and I had spoken.
I suppose, you could ask me the same thing. I mean, we were emailing back and forth and sharing occasional phone calls. We’d talk about my future as a “forensic pathologist” because I was one confused ten year old . Then one Thanksgiving -I know because I have the unanswered email sitting in my old yahoo account- I wished you a happy holiday and never heard from you again.
I tried to contact you after that but your email address came back as invalid and your phone number had changed. Perhaps I should have spent my allowance to track you down?
But, what does it matter? That’s the past. Today you answered the number I bought from the White Pages. I didn’t ask you anything that may have seemed too accusatory. You spoke as though no time had really passed.
…and we chatted. You asked what I was up to, and I asked you the same. You even shared a joke or tow. You gave me updates that I really shouldn’t have had to wait so long for…but the conversation was pleasant.
I asked if I could call again, and you said “sure.”
I asked…if I could call you again . I held my breath and waited for an answer, almost sure I wouldn’t be permitted. I was grateful to be permitted to interrupt you every once in-a-while.
We began our goodbyes, and I ended by telling you that I loved you. It is something I say to many people, but something I always mean. I love my friends, I love my family, and I love you.
You hesitated, and then said, “goodbye” before hanging up.
And you know what, maybe I should be okay with that…
Maybe you aren’t into exchanging words of affection.
Maybe you just don’t feel the same. I wouldn’t want you to lie to me. Like I said, I take love seriously. Besides, why should you be uncomfortable to appease me.
I know this may sound like I’m angry with you. I’m not.
I’m angry with myself, I’m angry because I put so much energy into this and you didn’t even miss me. I’m angry because I tricked myself into believing that you might have missed me, even though I know I’m not hard to find.
I’m disturbed by the way I tried to make sure I told yo about my accomplishments and plans in a way that I could be sure to get the idea across that I was somewhat successful . I needed you to know that I had goals, and drive, so that you would think of me as someone worthy of your attention. I needed you to know that I wasn’t after anything other than your familial compassion.
I’m upset that it took me hours after the call ended for me to finally come down from the fact that you even answered, for me to realize that our talk wasn’t exactly the warmest. It took me cooling down to even realize you avoided saying you loved me.
I’m mostly disappointed and a little lost. I don’t know what I want to do from here.
The fact remains, I love you. That’s my choice, and my right. Perhaps I’ll call again, soon. I opened up the connection, and I’d like to keep it. Maybe we”ll never be what I had hoped for all these years, but maybe we’ll be something else. A different normal can begin to exist between us.
I can only work on my part.
But I’m no longer starry eyed over you. I don’t know what’s on your heart, but I’m starting to truly understand that how people feel about me isn’t always my business.
But I need to start making my heart ,my business
I don’t want to hurt myself in hopes of understanding why I’m not wanted.
Who knows? Maybe I am wanted ? Maybe …maybe …maybe…
I don’t know.
I just know I spent a long time and energy on this , and I feel like I have to start a new chapter now.
P.S. If you should find this somehow, I hope it doesn’t hurt your feelings too much; but keeping it in was hurting mine terribly.